Friday, April 20, 2012

                                                                     ME & MY ASS
Before you develop any prejudice, I just want to make it clear that this story has no part of description about my own ***. This tale is about “Me & A real ASS – LALU (again not Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav)”. You might be wondering, where the hell on this earth, this Dumb-Ass got into acquaintance with another one. And even if I did, why at all, am I telling you all this? Well to answer these questions, I have to tell about the trip, me and my friends had to Kufri ( a hill station near Shimla).
After reaching to the Kufri town, one has to hire a mule to go up on the hill in order to cherish beautiful panoramic view of the Fun valley. The trek is so cruddy that it seems as if, it has a layer of donkey dung instead of mortar and asphalt. I wonder, how one can summon up his courage to walk in shit? But then it is a gimmick played by the mule masters to force us to hire one, so that they can make money. Even though, I have no problem in trekking and I hate riding on the back of these Jack Asses, I was forced to. 

Biologically, mule is a product of cross breeding between a male donkey and a female horse. If you want to have a better insight about the qualities of this product, take an IITian geek and a DU beauty as an input and deduce the output. Mathematically, output should be an average beauty with average brain. But the real problem is that, this offspring gives no shit to none of the mathematical concepts or logical reasoning. It just walks in an awkward sense of vanity, as if it is the sterling breed a horse can ever transform into with not a teensy resemblance to donkeys. This is why I prefer calling it an Ass. 

An entourage of five or six donkeys is commanded by a master, better to say by the whip of the master. This man is all you have, to put your faith into. You can’t expect the donkey to hear to you, not at least if you are not its master nor you have a cane to scare it. While ascending up on the hill, even though the gait of donkey was notoriously dangerous, having a master to guide it was solacing a little. Valley, though not covered with snow, was a real piece of art. Vista of green mountains and white clouds loitering just a few feet over my head was like fiction getting converted to reality. Drizzling clouds raised shiver through my body and sight of ‘Gol Gappa stall’ aroused appetite in my belly. At such a high altitude and such a low temperature, once tummy goes nuts, there is no doubt in it. We start craving for hot Maggi and chilling ice cream, altogether. 

After all fun and frolic, I was tired and drenched in rain, waiting for my sweet donkey to come and take me back to my car. Me and my friends were just waiting and waiting with no sign of our ride. I lost my nerves and shouted authoritatively; “We need our five Asses, where are they?" The statement was meant for mule master only, but the tourist nearby to us, heard it all clear and loud. They gave me a look as if I was asking for their own ass. 

Anyway, eventually we got five donkeys one for each of us. I don’t why but I was pushed upon the first ass and hurled to ride it by myself. The only information I was given beforehand was that the donkey’s name is Lalu and he is a Smart Ass. I realized that color of Lalu is red, which is  why it got its name ‘LALu’ and it was well trained to walk on its, own up and down the hill, which is why it was honored by the title of being a ‘Smart Ass’. Rest four donkeys were tide in tandem with rope and were marched in front by their master. I really don’t know for what I was punished to be left alone with this Scary Ass; when all others at least had a man to cry for help if their asses goes crazy. I don’t care, how smart Mr. Lalu is , I simply wanted a human being to guide its movement.   

Even though, all five of us started moving down together, in a few minutes all four of my friends were out of my sight and voice too. This was because my Dear Ass was under no one’s command and this maverick had fear of no one now. He was wobbling down the trek so hurriedly, as if someone is trying to set his ass on fire. I tried starting conversation with Lalu, I mean just in case he get affectionate with my polite behavior and starts obeying me as he does to his master. Well, I don’t know how healthy is the relation of Lalu with its master but it didn’t seem to be in any mood to establish one with his new rider.

It was raining and the trek was all wet and slippery. There was steep rift on one side of the trek from where you can rock and roll thousands of feet down if you put one wrong step. I don’t say I am a perfect epitome of audacity but things don’t scare me easily. But that day, I was scared, I was really scared. Mr. Lalu was enjoying his saunter and I was begging for my life sometimes from the God and many a time from Laluji. Hundreds of thoughts came flashing into my head. What if I fall down of the hill and die? What would college friends say; “Fall from the back of an Ass, what an ASS?” What would insurance people think; “Shall we count is as an accident or as a suicide.” I mean who would ride on the back of a donkey, down the hill in rainy weather, when he has no experience of riding a horse or a donkey or whatever, for god sake. I mean it is a plain simple suicide case, not an accident. I started looking for logics. I thought that “as I am scared for my life, so would be Lalu ”. But a few seconds later, I saw three asses coming running with their master sitting on the middle one and wearing a cowboy hat. He was riding as if he is this generations Rana Pratap and his donkeys are direct descendents of Chetak. Anyway, this man and his Running Asses created a lot of commotion in the congested narrow trek. Poor Lalu was forced to move towards the brink. But this coward left too much space and by the time it realized that it should stop, Lalu was already waving its left front leg in air, since we were on the edge, exact edge. 

How one feels 'δt' time after death, I don’t know but how he feels 'δt' time before his death, I got a pretty good idea about it. I know that the God has been a little cross to me for quite a long time, but he was so angry with me, I had no idea about it. I begged for my life, this time only from the God as I had lost all my faith I had in this Bad Ass. I believe that it was the grace of God that my reflexes worked. I leaned towards back and pulled the rope, which was supposed to control the donkey, to right. Well Lalu obeyed me this time and pushed himself towards the trek. We were on the trek again. This is how, I realized that Lalu too fear for his life but this Dumb Ass cannot really calculate, what can cause more harm, falling down the hill or getting hit by another ass. Although, after such a narrow escape from the meeting with Yamraj, all I wanted was to get down walk by myself. But to Lalu, this accident seemed like a mundane activity. He was not in mood to stop. 

…….. to be continued